I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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