god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
