apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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