If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
