Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Alive.
So much puke
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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