fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
