all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i drank out of a bidet.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
