Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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