Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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