Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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