i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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