I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
