Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
