how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
