Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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