I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I stole a fireplace last night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
