Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
