apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
