my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
All the doctor said was why
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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