i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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