they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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