Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
there is glitter all over my balls
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
