Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
