If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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