dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
