I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
