And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
