it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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