this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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