Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
