Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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