I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
