im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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