mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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