were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
