I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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