After last night, I could never be a politician.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
