I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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