When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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