i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize