I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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