When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wear drunk well.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
