You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize