When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
