Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
