So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The cops high fived after they tackled you
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
