"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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