I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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