you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
