i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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