I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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