So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
