its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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