Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
