..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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