So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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