Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
