I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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