I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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